2001: A Space Blunder
by GGMK
Summary: Comical hijinks abound as various people try to accomplish things in space, only very, very slowly, and sometimes with seemingly no purpose! 2001 has never been weirder! Parody of original film, crack, 4th wall breaking, and OOC. What more could you want? And yeah, HAL appears.
1. Chapter 1

About a bazillion years ago, somewhere on Earth, a bunch of primitive apes were searching for food in the desert. They were very hungry, and they needed to fill their bellies with nourishment. They had tried eating worms earlier, but that just didn't seem to fill them up.

One of the apes was scratching on the ground, hoping to find some buried food. Some of the other members of the tribe stared at him, feeling sorry for him and his lack of common sense. It's a good thing they were smarterer than Bobby, which was his unofficial name.

A female member of the tribe walked up to Bobby, and tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted, and looked up from his work, only to be slapped by the female.

Earlier that day, Bobby had accidentally kissed her on the cheek. Afterwards, however, he had shoved her away, also accidentally. She had made the ugliest noises, so he had run off while covering his ears. Angered, the female had apparently followed him.

A bunch of the primates gathered around, raising their fists in the air, hoping to see some blood. It would be very entertaining to see the female emasculate Bobby!

Bobby tried to dash around her, but she tripped him up. He fell on the ground, and due to his terrible co-ordination, couldn't get up. Not that it mattered, because then the female sat on him. Bobby sobbed manly tears, but the female gave him a look of disgust, as if his tears were the opposite of manly.

Before they could continue to do whatever they had previously been doing, a loud growl pierced the heated air. Bobby and the female embraced each other in fear, as if one was a cowardly human holding his equally cowardly dog.

* * *

><p>A leopard jumped out of the bushes. It was freaked out because another leopard had asked if it was possible to become a cheetah.<p>

The leopard all too soon realized that the bush he had been in contained poison ivy. Eyes wide, the leopard thought back to the lessons it had been taught by the leopard elders.

_"Young ones, listen. Our gods have told us that the only way to cure a case of the itchy scratchies is to eat a primate," one of the white-furred elders yowled at the pack. One young leopard timidly raised a paw, like he had been taught._

_"Yes, young one? What is it that you wish to say?" The shy cub blinked innocently._

_"What is a primate?" The elders shook their heads in disbelief. One of them coughed up a hairball, and removed a large paper from the mess. Unfolding it, a hairy, bipedal beast could be seen._

_"Never mind, I've seen those around, LOL!" The cub purred. The elders sighed at these young whippersnappers._

The leopard remembered what he had to do. Seeing some of the primates trying to climb trees was funny; he would show them how it was really done!

Yowling like a demon, the leopard climbed five trees in the time it took one of those primates to get a foothold! Getting bored, the leopard grabbed some poor sap by his leg, and dashed off.

* * *

><p>The remaining apes all felt pleased that it hadn't been them, but Bobby felt some remorse; instead of helping, he had cowered in raw fear. Also, he had maaaaybe begun crying again, but he refused to believe it.<p>

Getting thirsty, Bobby ran to his favorite water hole. With nothing better to do, the rest of the tribe followed. Unfortunately, when they arrived, a rival gang was already there. They wore gold chains around their necks and arms! It was awful!

Bobby whimpered, his way of telling the other gang to back off, or else! The leader of the rival gang turned towards Bobby and roared. Bobby stepped back, but his older brother moved in front of him. Bobby's eyes sparkled; his brother was his idol.

Bobby's brother shoved his face into the rival leader's personal space. The leader bared his teeth, but the brother did as well. Bobby grinned; his brother was amazing, the best primate in the world! He'd beat up this lame-o, and get them their water hole back!

The rival leader clubbed the brother on the head, killing him. Bobby was stunned. When the leader turned to face him, Bobby blacked out.

* * *

><p>When he awoke, he was in a cave. Sitting up, he heard a buzzing noise. He jumped up when a crash followed. Running outside, flanked by his fellow roommates, he saw a strange sight; a giant black machine had fallen from the clouds. Bobby feared that it leaked radiation, but everyone else was starting to crowd around.<p>

Trying to assert himself, in honor of his big bro, Bobby ran up the thing and touched it. Nothing really happened, and he soon lost interest. He fell asleep, not even bothering to move back in the cave.

The next morning, Bobby felt different. Trying to grunt, it came out sounding like, "I feel terrible." Bobby clamped his hands to his mouth, before whispering, "What the heck?" He now knew what words were, and it felt so good and exciting. He was a word virgin!

His roommates all looked at him ignorantly, and he knew that he had to teach them the ways of talking and words and syllables. But first, he had to avenge his brother.

Running to the water hole, he was enraged to see the guy who killed his bro spitting in the clear liquid. The leader smirked at Bobby, who yelled, "Stop! Dude, that's gross!" The leader stuck his tongue out, so Bobby pinched it. The leader cried like a female.

"You killed my brother. Prepare to die!" Bobby yelled as he clocked the leader on the head with some random cactus he found lying around. The leader fell down like a rock. Bobby called to the sky, "Brother, I hope you're watching! I went hardcore on this fool's head!"

His roommates peered at him curiously, not understanding his words of wisdom. In anger, Bobby flung his cactus into the air, thinking to himself that his new name should be Moonwatcher. The cactus fell back down and hit Moonwatcher on the head, knocking him out.

But little did Moonwatcher know that he would be completely irrelevant for the rest of the fic! As the cactus mysteriously flew off, it transformed into a spaceship!

**Next Time**:

A doctor who is scared of space and air travel decides to travel to space for job reasons. And demons walk the Earth or something. Tune in!

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>:

The opening segment of **2001** was my least favorite part of the film, so I kinda zoomed through it. The rest of the film won't travel by so fast.


	2. Fear of Flight

Dr. Heywood R. Floyd was attempting to read some science-related papers that he had brought on his flight, but he couldn't concentrate. The truth was, he was feeling quite queasy. He had a dark secret that not a single soul knew about, which was that he had a fear of flying.

Also, he got air sick very easily.

He was currently onboard a small ship called the _Orion III_. Heywood had originally wondered what had befallen the first two _Orion_ planes, but was too scared to ask. He suspected that the Pan Am employees wouldn't inform him anyway.

Leaning back against the seat, trying to make the ride pleasant for himself, Heywood let his eyes close. His peepers were forced open when the ship shook violently. He wanted to jump off the plane; even if he died, it would be better than this agonizing feeling!

Before he could rush to the window, however, a metallic belt slid across his chest, pinning his arms. He screamed and struggled, but it was to no avail.

It seemed the other passengers had similar problems, although most didn't react with as much panic. Everyone's attention was then grabbed by the arrival of a stewardess, who had a friendly smile, and an old-fashioned hairstyle, the back of her hair set in a bun.

She raised a microphone to her red lips. "Excuse me. My name is Pan. I have been instructed by the pilot to inform you that we are experiencing some rough weather." At this, many of the passengers nodded, completely accepting the situation. Heywood thought they were mad!

Pan continued her almost robotic speech. "Many of you repeat flyers know, of course, our protocols for these situations. These metal bands will keep you from diving out the window. Safety first, after all!" She beamed, and Heywood felt himself grow a bit calmer, despite himself. Another jolt changed that rather fast.

"Are you saying this normally happens?" Heywood questioned, his voice cracking. Pan grinned, and affirmed, "Yes, indeed. It may not be professional of us, but why avoid bad weather when you can plow right through it?"

It was official; Heywood was never using Pan Am again. Heck, he was pretty sure that he would never fly again, period. He liked having his two feet on the ground, thank you very much – unless he was wearing fancy shoes, in which case, a carpet would have to do.

Another dark secret he had was that he had an even bigger fear than flying; a fear of space! Unfortunately, he was currently en route to Clavius Base, which was a US space outpost. To make it worse, he wasn't even heading straight there; he was briefly stopping at some orbiting space station! There would probably be nothing to do there!

What felt like ten hours later (but later turned out to be less than two), the ship screeched to a halt. Even the stewardess tumbled down, and as she did, she pressed some kind of button on some kind of remote that was inside a pocket on her vest. This caused the metallic bands to open, and Heywood used the opportunity to dash out the front of the plane.

The connecting tube was still extending, but so great was Heywood's need to escape the confinement of the plane that he jumped all the way to the building that the bridge would connect to. He held his breath somehow, which goes to show the power of the human spirit. After this wild display, Heywood stopped, coughed inconspicuously, and straightened his collar.

_Good-bye, you small, claustrophobia-inducing _Orion III. _I will never see you again, unless it is to set you on fire._

With his dark and bitter thoughts behind him, Heywood marched deeper into the station, which had the most dreadfully boring color scheme: white. White walls, white floors, white ceiling, white vending machines, and even white chairs. It gave the place a vibe of being….sterile.

Starting to feel like he had died and gone to some boring Heaven, Heywood jammed his hands into his pockets as hard as he could, just to feel alive. When he did, his left hand came into contact with a small candy, which he had brought to bring back to his young daughter.

_Oh shoot. I forgot that I promised to give her a ring once I reached this station!_

Quickly locating a (white) videophone booth, Heywood inserted some coins, before the familiar jingle of the videophone company informed him about how, "Becoming a member will save you a lot of money," and all that. He drummed his fingers impatiently, before the videoscreen lit up, showing him his precious daughter.

"Hi, daddy," she said, cheerfully waving, forgetting that her hand was already holding some kind of Barbie doll, who would probably complain about how it's hair was getting messed up, if it was alive.

Heywood smiled at his pride and joy. "Hello, sweetie. I bet you thought I'd forget about our promise, the way mommy and I forgot to give you a name when you were born." That had been really embarrassing, how they hadn't noticed until a year later. They had figured that, by then, it was too late to give her a name.

"Daddy, don't you dare bring that up now. You'll wreck this tender moment; see, even Barbie agrees with me," and she once again shook Barbie, to show that the doll was nodding. Heywood smirked; Barbie was the last person he would ever trust regarding family issues.

"Sweetie, is your mommy home? I would like to speak with her too, you know." His daughter tilted her head, pointer finger on her chin, as she considered it. Glancing at her Barbie, as if seeing if her doll would somehow help, the little girl finally replied, "Um, she's downstairs. The postman was delivering some letters, and she took him into her room so that he could deliver them, I guess."

Heywood tried to keep his voice steady. "Would this postman happen to have long, brown hair?" His cute daughter nodded, and Heywood clenched his teeth. He knew who that was! It was some jerk who had been flirting with his wife for many years! That loser was in his house now? As he fumed, his daughter placed her hand over her mouth.

"Oh no! Mommy told me not to tell you!" Heywood, growing angry as he realized the deception, told his sweet, loving daughter to kindly inform her mommy that, "Daddy might take a few years to come home." The daughter stuck her tongue out, showing her true colors.

"Why you miserable little-" Heywood was aghast that his daughter could be capable of being so crude.

"Oh daddy, it's your fault for ditching us in the first place," his baby girl said, in a suddenly much deeper voice. And why were her eyes glowing?

"You demon spawn!" the poor doctor yelled as he realized that his wife was truly evil. His young girl grinned in a nasty sort of way, before the transmission cut off. Heywood rested his head in his hands, and wept for the loss of his innocence. Demons indeed walked the Earth!

Then he stood up; he had places to go. Perhaps he could still find it in his heart to forgive his young (?) girl, one day. But just in case, maybe it was prudent that he buy a gun.

**Next Time:**

Heywood meets up with some "friends". Awkward times ensue.


	3. Old Friends and Uncomfortable Situations

Stress was bad for the body, bad for the mind, and bad for the soul. To deal with his own stress, Heywood ordered a cup of tea from the white vending machine. After some coughs and sputters, some thick brown liquid splashed into a pale Styrofoam cup.

Pulling the cup to his nose, Heywood curled his lip when he smelled something quite nasty, like sulfur. He hadn't had a drink since the ride on the ship, and he had sweated throughout that flight, so he was very thirsty.

Pinching his nose and squeezing his eyes shut, the good doctor downed the suspicious contents of his cup in his throat. As he forgot the liquid was piping hot, Heywood let out a yell, startling various people who were reading newspapers.

Feeling tears stinging at his eyes, Heywood quickly pressed some buttons on the machine, ordering a cool glass of water. After some choking noises, the machine spurted some dark water into his cup. Not caring about the taste anymore, just the temperature, Heywood gulped it down. The cold drink felt very refreshing going down his sore throat.

A finger tapped his shoulder, and Heywood dropped his cup. Thanking his lucky stars that he had finished his drink already, Heywood turned around, prepared to give whoever startled him a piece of his well-cultured mind!

"Aw, did I scare the big man?" Heywood stared into the eyes of the lady who had just spoken those sarcastic words. It was Elena, a Soviet scientist that he had attended school with. They had been close, but never dated. Unfortunately, many classmates teased them about it.

The way Heywood saw it, it was like two + magnets – they just didn't stick together. He figured it was because they were just too similar.

Elena pinched Heywood's cheek. "You look pale. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that you hated space travel. Poor baby. Here, I have some aspirin, in case you want some."

Also that. He hated her coddling, but he never had the heart to inform her of this. Declining her offer of Aspirin, Heywood changed the subject. "I'm guessing you didn't call me up here just to make small talk, right?" Elena nodded, her face growing serious.

Before she could speak up, a cheerful male voice called out to them. Elena's face lit up like a star, and she ran over to the man in the green coat who was waving at them like someone who had found his two favorite people. On closer inspection, it seemed he was actually only waving at Elena.

Heywood watched them, and averted his eyes when the two began to make out. He covered his ears when the noises became graphic, and finally had to squeeze his eyes shut because the walls were so clean, he could see them in the reflection.

Finally, he coughed to get their attention. The simple action worked, and the two lovebirds stopped their public display of affection, although they didn't even look self-conscious or embarrassed.

_Do most scientists have no shame? I think I have some, my episode on the ship aside._

"Excuse me. My name is Dr. Smyslov. I work closely with Elena – very, very closely." He chuckled, and stopped when he realized that his joke of questionable taste had been a flop with his audience. He grinned sheepishly, and opted to take out some papers from his coat pocket.

Realizing the papers were for him, Heywood snatched them from Smyslov's hands. As he speed-read through the papers, he came to realize that this was about – THAT incident!

"I can see it in your eyes. It's about THAT incident, right?" Elena had that glint in her eyes, the one that showed when she was very curious about something. Heywood felt himself sweating, knowing that he was about to get bombarded with questions.

"Yes, this is about THAT incident!" Smyslov said importantly.

"OK, OK, enough. Shut up, I'm already sick of hearing people talk about the incident so dramatically," Heywood butted in irritably. By gosh, if he had to hear one more person act as if the incident was the most mysterious thing since the Bermuda Triangle, he'd burst.

"Well, we heard that something odd happened at Clavius. Can't you elaborate, at least to me?" Elena batted her eyelashes.

_Ha, she thinks she can pull that on me. Her tricks may work on a loser like Dr. Smyslov, but not on me!_

The truth was, in better circumstances, he would have explained to both of them why he was being so secretive. But the truth was….he didn't even know what had happened on Clavius Base, which was why he was heading to that location in the first place! Even if someone were somehow able to read his mind, he wouldn't be able to leak anything.

Looking now, at his friend, and her close friend, he felt regret for not being able to tell them anything. He also regretted that he couldn't kiss her. Finally, he regretted being born with a fear of space. Suddenly, he felt the blood leave his face.

"G-guys, can we move away from the window for a bit. I don't feel so good." Elena and her boyfriend stared at him in concern.

"You look even paler than before. What is wrong with you?" Elena was also sensitive.

"C'mon, you know I don't like being near a window when I'm high up. I'm liable to lose my lunch or something." Heywood chuckled, trying to make light of it, but he knew he sounded fake.

"Now now, calm down. There is nothing out there, and I'll prove it!" Dr. Smyslov confidently walked up to the large, rectangular window and peered out.

"Hmm, I see some asteroids, another ship leaving, and a bunch of stars. There is – oh dear!" Elena asked him what was wrong, but Smyslov tried waving her away. Trading glances, Elena and Heywood both shoved Smyslov aside to look out the window. To their fascination, some poor guy was banging on a nearby window. When he saw them staring, he gestured at them wildly.

"He must have fallen out, the poor dear," Elena moaned sadly. Heywood backed up quickly.

"That is why I hate being in space. THAT COULD BE ME OUT THERE!" With that, he broke into a panicked run down a white hallway. The carpet was white as well, but Heywood put that in the back of his mind for now.

He had to escape, to get back to Earth somehow! He felt like the walls and floor of the station could break away any minute, sending him into the cold embrace of the universe. He had taken counseling for his problem, but it had never seemed to do him any good.

Trying to remember what methods he had practiced to calm down, Heywood slowed down. Unfortunately, he came up blank. Muttering dark things to himself, Heywood opened a nearby door, surprised to find himself face-to-face with a stone-faced security guard.

The guard grabbed Heyman by the wrist, and growled, "You're wanted on Clavius Base. Do not attempt to escape!" A screaming Heyman was dragged down the hallway, his demands for a lawyer and his mommy ignored.

* * *

><p><strong>Next Time<strong>

Heyman is forced to face his fear of flight, but at least he'll be among friends this time...right?


	4. A Relaxing Flight

Heywood had to be strapped down to his seat, as he struggled like a wild beast. He didn't want to ride another ship, but unfortunately, it was necessary to get to Clavius after the small pit stop. His veins bulged as he attempted to rip out the bands around his wrists, but he simply lacked the muscle power.

"If it is any consolation, we'll be here." Heywood mentally groaned when he remembered that this time, he would be accompanied by Elena (who had cheerfully uttered that sentence) and Smyslov, who was idly flipping through a shopping catalog that was hidden behind each seat.

"Please, can't you at least drug me or something? I'd rather not be conscious!" He hoped his begging would get through to his friends, or at least the various personnel, but everyone had apparently gone deaf. They all smiled at him, as if he were a child.

As he stared at them in disbelief, trying to will himself to shoot some kind of energy beam from his eyes, he noticed the problem; they all had ear plugs! In frustration, he banged his head on the head-rest behind him.

A few minutes later, and Heywood was sweating bullets. "How much longer until we reach Clavius?" he whimpered. It seemed that Elena could read lips, because she sympathetically patted his hand and softly answered, "Oh dear, we haven't even lifted off yet. I'll go get you a drink."

She left her seat, presumably to ask for some water. Heywood sighed, before her words sunk in. His eyes shot wide open, and his mouth mirrored them.

_No no no no no no no no no no no. We haven't even started our journey? Oh celestial beings who are watching, strike me with lightning and kill me now!_

His chaotic wish brought up by fear was not granted. Instead, he was informed that someone would be sitting next to him on the trip.

_Well, perhaps some company won't be so bad. I can talk to this person (assuming they don't have ear plugs), and maybe that will keep me distracted from the fact that I am terrified out of my mind. Yes, this could be what I need._

A few moments later, and a mild-mannered man with glasses approached the scared doctor. He bowed politely, before introducing himself as Mr. Xpen Duble.

"Hello, Mr. Duble. I hope I am good company, but I fear that I may be hard to get along with." Heywood wanted to make sure that this gentleman didn't get his hopes up that he would be conversing with a sociable person.

Mr. Duble smiled slightly, before settling in his comfy, red-colored seat. He sighed, before leaning down to the ground. Heywood thought the man must have dropped something, but when Xpen came back up, he was holding two clean shoes, and two black socks.

"What are you doing?" Heywood said, starting to grow suspicious. Xpen grinned, before saying, "My feet need fresh air, or they start to sweat."

Soon, a smell started to waft up to Heywood's nose. It was very unpleasant, and Heywood was starting to think that perhaps sitting alone would have been preferable.

"Could you please put your shoes back on, please? This ship smelled perfectly fine before you arrived." Mr. Duble looked miffed at the accusation.

"I will have you know, I took a shower this morning. I couldn't possibly stink, my good man. What do you have to say about _that_?" He lifted his nose, the sign of a man who had proven his point to a mere pauper.

Seeing that he would get nowhere fast with this man, Heywood tried motioning to his friends over on the next aisle, but the ship lurched, and he banged his head on the seat in front of him. Dazed, he lay back against his chair, frightened due to the fact that he suddenly couldn't move his body!

Mr. Duble glowered at him. "Please don't make a habit of banging things with your head. That would be quite annoying." He signaled to the attendants, and asked for a glass of wine. Being told there were no alcoholic beverages sold on the flight, he was forced to settle for apple juice.

The waitress then turned to Heywood. "What would you like, sir?" Unfortunately, he could not answer. After a few moments, the lady frowned, and walked away, muttering under her breath about weirdoes.

At the moment, Heywood found that he could only move his eyes. He tried to send Duble a signal with his eyes. Duble, who had just received a nasty paper cut from the catalog, glared at Heywood.

"Are you rolling your eyes at me? That's it, put up your dukes!" Duble raised a fist, and punched Heywood in the head. Heywood felt like a photographer had taken a bright photo at point blank. Still, he could move again, and he was going to nail this sunnuva gun!

Heywood, who was stronger than he thought, raised himself off his seat using his arms, and kicked Xpen dead in the chest with both feet. Duble coughed loudly, before falling back – and out the window! The crash went unnoticed by most of the passengers, who were still rocking the ear-plugs.

Luckily, the more recent ships were equipped with automatic window-closers! If a window broke during a flight, a metal board went over the window, keeping all oxygen inside. Despite being made of steel, it was also see-through, so Heywood could see Duble banging on the window. Heywood smiled, and lowered the blind.

Leaning back on his chair, Heywood felt peaceful and content. He was no longer shaking, or sweating bullets. His fear of space travel had seemingly been cured, and all thanks to that Mr. Xpen Duble.

"Oh!" Heywood chuckled. "Xpen-Duble. I get it. I see. He may as well have been called Mr. Reds Hurt. Heh heh." He gave a thumbs up to Elena, who grinned back at him. She nudged Smyslov, who started, before promptly falling asleep again.

After they landed, Heywood skipped the luggage-retrieval section; he hadn't brought any suitcases or backpacks. He wasn't a man who owned many possessions.

He dashed to the meeting room, where he was apparently wanted to "explain" some things. Entering the stuffy room (_did no one open a window_?) he strode to the front of the room, where a podium and microphone had been set up.

In front of the crowd, which mainly consisted of stuffy-looking people in business suits, Heywood cleared his throat. He grabbed the mic and pulled it closer to his mouth, wanting the whole room to hear the important words he was going to say.

"I was told to come here and report something about mysterious happenings. All I can say is: I have no idea what the heck is going on. Bye!" With that, he dashed out of the room, ignoring the various shouts of surprise and scattered cat-calls behind him. He was free now. Free to go home!

**Next Time**

Heywood is free...but is it really that easy?


End file.
